11-13-22 Detaching


The oxford dictionary defines detachment as a “state of being objective or aloof”.

Being objective is considered powerful in practicing detachment, however being aloof is not terribly useful. When you become emotionally aloof, you are disconnected from your feelings. You’re not really engaging in life.

The true detachment that’s inspired by Zen Buddhism means deep involvement in life  because there is a lack of attachment to the outcome. You are fully involved in the process, not the process of “attaining,” but in growing, right action, being flexable and focused.

According to the Buddhist point of view, non-attachment is exactly the opposite of separation. You need two things in order to have attachment: the thing you’re attaching to, and the person who’s attaching. In non-attachment, on the other hand, there’s unity. There’s unity because there’s nothing to attach to, nothing to separate your true self from other and reality.

In an addiction we are attached to avoidance. We may get a high or good feeling from a drug or behavior and we attach to that emotion and try to reproduce it again and again. Soon reality is a faint thought at best and we are trapped in avoidance of reality. Being detached from attaining happiness is important. When we detach, but fully experience a positive emotion, we are in a healthy state to appreciate our happiness without trying to reproduce it.

“But if you are becoming indifferent…. Indifference is a pseudo-coin, it looks like detachment, but it only LOOKS like detachment. Nothing will be growing in it. You will simply shrink and die…”

Whenever you feel something has gone wrong there are indications in your reactions of attachment. If you feel resentment, the need to reclaim, anger, revenge, the need to control, or your lack of control, (being passive when you should stand up for yourself) or that you have been slighted, these are attachments to the ego that bring misery and confusion. Joy, celebration, right action, and feeling peaceful, even in a difficult time, is an indicator, of detaching. Love is not attachment, love knows no attachment, and that which knows attachment is not love. It may be a thousand and one things, but it is not love.

We will all have difficult times. We do not deny our feelings but experience them. We will experience difficulty and pain in relationships, deaths, illness, financial, and personal losses. We need to go through a process of healing and not become entrapped, attached to any part of the process. The classic stages of grief are – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. When we reach acceptance, which we can actually do very quickly, we will experience a sense of sweet and sour, joyful and painful. That is life, real life. 

Without attachment we fully experience all of life and at the same are time fully open to fully experience the next moment, unchained from the past or future.

“It is necessary to be lovingly present to help any individual with a problem or an issue – But not to rescue. When people get into a rescue mode, they are generally working for their own agenda. Another reason to practice compassionate detachment is to realize that some people leach life energy out of others… in their need to endlessly discuss their problems, be constantly negative or cynical, they become energy drains. You will be a much better friend, a much better partner, parent or child, if you remain compassionately detached, show compassion and patience to a point, then promote self-responsibility and accountability in the other individual.” Some relationships that are unhealthy need to be ended. As you need to practice this in yourself, you can pass on to others. Get out of the circular story line and feel what the real issue is. Is it Ego?

When you begin detaching from the drama and emotional rollercoaster that can make up so much of life, you may feel withdrawal. That is a good thing. You may miss the drama for a while, but as you settle into your truer self and a more even-keeled life you will know it is real.

The fact is, we always seek in others what is missing within ourselves. Self-love fosters a stronger, more real love for others. We have everything we need, recovery is within, while doing the outside work to settle into our true selves, which is comfortable and secure.

1 – Distinguish between your ego and what the situation really is.  – Your mind or your ego might tell you that not getting the job you want has ruined your career. The actual reason is that you are disappointed over something you never had in the first place. There has been no loss,

nothing has changed except what you falsely perceived, craved, to be your future.

2 – Embrace uncertainty. – Deepak Chopra – “Those who seek security in the exterior world chase it for a lifetime.” By letting go of your attachment to the illusion of security, which is really an attachment to the known, you step into the field of all possibilities. You make better choices because you are engaging your intelligence and your intuition together.
3 – Meditate – Our mind is conditioned to desire and get unhappy when things don’t go our way. Observe your mind and take an objective view of the reality of what’s really happening. Take a step back from your mind and observe your thoughts. What are you identifying with the most? What are your conditioned thought patterns? You’ll begin to notice that the mind, or the ego, isn’t the real you, it’s just a game, which will give you enormous liberation. As we use the breath to anchor ourselves in meditation, use the conscious breath to bring yourself back from grasping, or fear any time during the day. Use it often and you will find it a good friend.

4. Try to live more in the present moment – There’s only one thing that exists: the present moment. Yet so many of us spend our days lost in the regrets of the past or worries about the future. “Focus on opportunities not setbacks. Focus on what you can do, not what you can’t. Focus on the present moment, not the past or the future. Empower yourself!” ?  Akiroq Brost

5 – Don’t beat yourself up. – When you experience negative emotions, don’t get upset with your life. Embrace all the facets of life and be thankful that you’re actually aware of what you’re feeling. We only get life once – so bask in life in all possible ways – the good, the bad, the bitter-sweet, the joys, the heartbreak – everything!

You can embrace and fully experience life so much better, when you don’t attach to any of it.

How do you fill your bucket? One drop at a time
The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step
The great arises out of small things that are honored and cared for
May you be well. May you be happy. May you find peace.

Heart Of Recovery web site  — fcheartofrecovery.com