Detaching

The oxford dictionary defines detachment as a “state of being objective or aloof”.

Being objective is considered powerful in practicing detachment, however being aloof is not terribly useful. When you become emotionally aloof, you are disconnected from your feelings. You’re not really engaging in life.

However, the true detachment that’s inspired by Zen Buddhism means deep involvement in life  because there is a lack of attachment to the outcome. You are fully involved in the process, not the process of “attaining,” but in growing, being flexable and focused.

According to the Buddhist point of view, non-attachment is exactly the opposite of separation. You need two things in order to have attachment: the thing you’re attaching to, and the person who’s attaching. In non-attachment, on the other hand, there’s unity. There’s unity because there’s nothing to attach to, nothing to separate your true self from other and reality.

In an addiction we are attached to avoidance. We may get a high or good feeling from a drug or behavior and we attach to that emotion and try to reproduce it again and again. Soon reality is a faint thought at best and we are trapped in avoidance of reality. Being detached from attaining happiness is important. When we detach but fully experience a positive emotion we are in a healthy state to appreciate our happiness without trying to reproduce it.

We need to detach from our things also. We identify with what we have, things, money, instead of our deeper spiritual being. There is nothing wrong with things, but we need to keep them to a minimum, enjoy them for what they bring and let it go. 

“But if you are becoming indifferent…. Indifference is a pseudo-coin, it looks like detachment, but it only LOOKS like detachment. Nothing will be growing in it. You will simply shrink and die…”

“Beware. Whenever something goes wrong there are indications in your being. Sadness, anger, judgment, is an indicator of attachment; joy, celebration, right action, and feeling peaceful, even in a difficult time, is an indicator, of detaching. More songs will happen to you if you are moving towards detachment. Love is not attachment, love knows no attachment, and that which knows attachment is not love. That is possessiveness, domination, clinging, fear, greed — it may be a thousand and one things, but it is not love.”

When you are growing in detachment you will become healthier, happier; your life will become a life of joy. That is the criterion of all that is good. Joy is the criterion. If you are growing in joy, you are growing. We will all have difficult times. We do not deny our feelings but experience them fully. We will experience difficulty and pain in relationships, deaths, illness, financial, and personal losses. We need to go through a process of healing and not become entrapped, attached to any part of the process. The classic stages of grief are – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. When we reach acceptance, we will experience a sense of sweet and sour, joyful and painful. That is life, real life. 

“It is necessary to be lovingly present to help any individual with a problem or an issue – But not to rescue. When people get into a rescue mode, they are generally working for their own agenda. Another reason that I practice compassionate detachment is to realize that some people leach life energy out of me… in their need to discuss their problems, and in their need to be listened to … over and over and over again … they become energy drains. My advice to you, after many years of  ‘feeling the drain,’ is that you will be a much better friend, a much better partner, parent or child, and also – a much better coach – if you remain compassionately detached, and promote self-responsibility and accountability in the other individual.”

In order to let go of attachment to others, Buddhists advise us to start looking within, so we can love ourselves. The fact is, we always seek in others what is missing within ourselves. Self-love fosters a stronger, more real love for others.

1 – Distinguish between your ego and what the situation really is.  – Your mind or your ego might tell you that not getting the job you want has ruined your career. The actual reason is that you are disappointed over something you never had in the first place. There has been no loss, nothing has changed except what you falsely perceived, craved, to be your future.

2 – Embrace uncertainty. – Embracing the unknown actually provides security. Embracing uncertainty leads to ultimate freedom. When nothing is certain, everything is possible. Deepak Chopra has some great words to ponder: “Those who seek security in the exterior world chase it for a lifetime. By letting go of your attachment to the illusion of security, which is really an attachment to the known, you step into the field of all possibilities. This is where you will find true happiness, abundance, and fulfillment.”

3 – Meditate – Our mind is conditioned to desire and get unhappy when things don’t go our way. Observe your mind and take an objective view of the reality of what’s really happening. Take a step back from your mind and observe your thoughts. What are you identifying with the most? What are your conditioned thought patterns? You’ll begin to notice that the mind, or the ego, isn’t really you, which will give you enormous liberation.

4. Try to live more in the present moment – There’s only one thing that exists: the present moment. Yet so many of us spend our days lost in the regrets of the past or worries about the future. “Focus on opportunities not setbacks. Focus on what you can do, not what you can’t. Focus on the present moment, not the past or the future. Empower yourself!” ?  Akiroq Brost

5 – Don’t beat yourself up. – When you experience negative emotions, don’t get upset with your life. Embrace all the facets of life and be thankful that you’re actually aware of what you’re feeling. We only get life once – so bask in life in all possible ways – the good, the bad, the bitter-sweet, the joys, the heartbreak – everything!

You can embrace and fully experience life so much better, when you don’t attach to any of it.

How do you fill your bucket? One drop at a time
The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step
The great arises out of small things that are honored and cared for
May you be well. May you be happy. May you find peace.

Heart Of Recovery web site  — fcheartofrecovery.com