11-21-21 Self Aggression

Self  Aggression.

Hostile, injurious, or destructive behavior or outlook especially when caused by frustration. 

Passive aggression toward the self is fundamentally about self-punishment. After all, if you’re self-disapproving, don’t much like yourself, and have never been able to fully embrace yourself (flaws and all), it’s as though you’ve given someone who does not like you, residency inside your head. The inevitable result is that these authority figures constantly remind you that you’re not good enough, that you can’t live up to their expectations. Sadly, in the recesses of your brain, their critical voice has become your own.

Doubt is the first obstacle of fearlessness that needs to be overcome.

Every time I feel afraid, confused, or aggressive – I tell myself –  I am a good worthy, capable person, I approve. Say this to yourself, often. No one else needs to approve, only YOU. Never doubt it. We are allowed to feel anything and everything. We are merely advised to not identify  with anything that is transient, such as feelings, opinions, personalities. Notice the subtle  difference between “I am afraid.” and “I’m feeling fear,” I am unworthy, and I afeeling unworthy. We have had very difficult things occur in life. We may need to seek out help to manage and honestly come to terms with those things. We can begin believing in ourselves, dropping the aggression and passive nature, anytime. We will have times of fear and aggression crop up, but with our awareness of what it occuring, we accept our feelings and then decide how

we really want to act. We become braver when we use kindness.

Why would we permit a very negative reaction about ourselves — from ourselves, (thinking we are un-worthy), but be afraid to perhaps, evoke a negative reaction from another because we are acting rightly? We need to NOT be afraid to do anything to stand up for ourselves. Never to cower and feel worse, but do what we know is right, to rejoice and engage in life. I am amazed when I am aware of and drop any aggression towards myself, how much the world and my heart opens up, and I feel free. It’s a little scarey, a bit uncomfortable to not make myself feel like a second class citizen, but I know it is possible.

Any 12 step program, as well as any spiritual path, involves learning, discussion with others and finally ACTION. We can choose to just drop our feeling of drudgery, the dark cloud over our heads, any time we choose. We need to not have final resolution on all our perceived problems, but begin to like ourselves JUST AS WE ARE.

If I am unhappy, aggressive towards myself because of my weight, fear of money, my past behavior, or someone else, or that bump in the road, fixing any of those things will not then make me happy. I am acting out and aggressive because of my view of myself. I will continue to be aggressive, negative, towards myself regardless of how good or bad things are. We can choose to be happy at any moment, for no particular reason. Try feeling happy, complete, approve of yourself, for just a moment or two, anytime during the day. That is when you can choose to not retreat into your creation of a hostile world. We are all naturally inquisitive, open and engaged in the world. Don’t permit the lies you tell yourself to win.

Practicing meditation can actually ramp up our habitual self-denigration. This is because, in the process of stabilizing the mind, we become more aware of traits in ourselves that we don’t like, whether it’s manipulation, cynicism, or being passive. Then we need to look deeper, with even more clarity. When we examine our addictions we need to be able see the sadness that’s behind having another drink, the loneli-ness behind another joint. The cycle of self-denigration we employ can be subtle and have a long history. So we need to see it clearly and know it is harmful, not our true selves and feel the healthy alternative of believing in ourselves and always trying, though not always successful. We always keep on believing in ourselves as a kind, strong person.

This brings us to unconditional friend-ship with ourselves. When you have a true friend, you stick together year after year, but you don’t put your friend up on a pedestal and think that they’re perfect. You see and accept their flaws and their humanness. Unconditional friendship with yourself has the same flavor as the deep friendships you have with others. You know yourself, you ACCEPT yourself, and you’re kind to yourself. You even love yourself.

With low self esteem I may find many ways to try and empower or to demean myself. Perhaps to have dominion over others physically, sexually, or verbally debase someone, or a class of people. Or act passive and submissive, physically, sexually or verbally. Or never feel good enough, 

always small and less than. It is all a lie we tell ourselves, and we CAN stop believing it. Know when you feel afraid, less than, not good enough, and say I AM good enough. Believe it!!! Step into your fear, act with courage and compassion, and begin to live.

We don’t need to get out of the rain, we need to learn to dance a joyful rain dance.

“Most of us do not take these situations as teachings. We automatically hate them. We run like crazy. We use all kinds of ways to escape — all addictions stem from this moment when we meet our edge and we just can’t stand it. We feel we have to soften it, pad it with something, and we become addicted to whatever it is that seems to ease the pain.” ? Pema Chödrön

How can I defeat you? Fear replied, If you don’t do what I tell you, I have no power. You can listen to me, and you can have respect for me. You can even be convinced by me. But if you don’t do what I say, I have no power. In that way, the student warrior learned how to defeat fear. 

I am generous to myself when I act rightly. Not hiding or dominating, but with strength and gentleness. I am willing to be uncomfortable, to be brave, to pursue my true self, and stop fighting a losing battle with myself. I choose approval and peace.

“You are the sky. Everything else – it’s just the weather.” ?Pema Chödrön

How do you fill your bucket? One drop at a time
The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step
The great arises out of small things that are honored and cared for
May you be well. May you be happy. May you find peace.

Heart Of Recovery web site  — fcheartofrecovery.com