2-18-18 Loneliness

Tonight, on the cushion, I felt my heart ribs, and my mind-heart like a thin steel blade growing smaller. In meditation practice I’ve learned to try not to pour too much story into a thought or sensation. And I’ve also learned not to fly away mentally or obstinately return to my breath. Tonight I felt the loneliness of my entire life, not grandly dramatic, but not ho hum ordinary either. I have always been “so lonely.” Dissolving the solid identifications which frame ego’s wall, generates a very natural human terror. What will happen? How will I act, if not with one of the infamous three poisons: passion, aggression, or ignorance? William Brown, Los Angeles:


What are we likely to receive from step five? For one thing we shall get rid of that terrible sense of isolation we’ve always had. Almost without exception, alcoholics are tortured by loneliness. 12 and 12

Buddhist teacher’s claim that beyond that ultimate loneliness is joy. But I don’t get it. When I read or hear that teaching, it just doesn’t seem to fit. Perhaps it doesn’t “fit” because it is beyond concept. Perhaps my mind has met something which it cannot grasp! However, what choice is there? Exhausted with the continual machine of doubt, fear and confusion, the only workable action seems to be sitting meditation. Which leads to that experience of dropping through the bottom of loneliness and continuing, without throwing oneself away, without knowing “what to do,” on to what might be the path to joy and luminosity. Which promises nothing, and everything.

When I first came into recovery I was confused, lonely and in fear. I wanted you to fix me. I even resisted that because I saw that I had to do the work. I tried doing some of the work, but also holding onto many of the old behaviors of lying to myself, maintaining a strong sense of who I was and what I, I, I wanted out of the world. This made me feel alone and confused all over again. I was still holding onto my obsessions about MYSELF.
When you feel lonely, in despair, you are grasping at the wordly things that you think define you. When you can let go of those thoughts and perceptions of yourself, you will feel afraid. You do not have a defenition of who you are anymore. If you can sit with that feeling of uncertainty, and go through it, not obsessing or identifying with how you feel, you will open up to a new perception and vastness.

Don’t you get tired holding onto who you think you are, so long and so tightly? You can open up to being open. You may feel a sense of spaciousness that is scarey. You have no safety net, and no one to hang onto. When you let go of your false sense of self, your image of yourself, the masks you wear and the lies you tell yourself, you will feel alone. You do not have the entertainment and fluff you are used to.

You are always alone, and you are never alone. You feel alone when you are seperated from your BS. And you are never alone when you are a part of what IS.

When was the last time you actually heard a bird sing? Actually stopped and listened to it? What about the sound of the wind blowing through the trees? When was the last time you looked up at the stars or noticed how the sunlight reflects through the clouds? Megan Bauer:

Everybody is brought up in such a way that everybody goes on thinking that they have to be something, somebody, somewhere in the future. An image is given and you have to be like it. That gives you a tension because you are not it, you are something else, yet you have to be it. And the ideal goes on pulling you towards the future, out of the present. The ideal becomes a constant nightmare because it goes on condemning. Whatsoever you do is imperfect because you have an ideal of perfection. Whatsoever you attain is still not fulfilling because you have a mad expectation which can never be satisfied. Osho :
As human beings, not only do we seek resolution, but we also feel that we deserve resolution. However, not only do we not deserve resolution, we suffer from resolution. We don’t deserve resolution; we deserve something better than that. We deserve our birthright, which is the middle way, an open state of mind that can relax with paradox and ambiguity. To the degree that we’ve been avoiding uncertainty, we’re naturally going to have withdrawal symptoms—withdrawal from always thinking that there’s a problem and that someone, somewhere, needs to fix it. Pema Chodron

I was to sit quietly when in doubt, asking only for direction and strength to meet my problems… Big Book

Dipa Ma, mindfulness wasn’t something she did, it was who she was – all the time. Dipa Ma made it clear that there is nothing wrong with lapses of mindfulness, with the mind wandering. “It happens to everyone. It is not a permanent problem.” “There is nothing ultimately to cling to in this world,” Dipa Ma taught, “but we can make good use of everything in it. Life is not to be rejected. It is here. And as long as it is here and we are here, we can make the best use of it.” “Live simply. A very simple life is good for everything. Too much luxury is a hindrance to practice.”

Too much doubt is also a hindrance. Believe in yourself, just as you are, and the path you are on. You are going to change, nothing stays to same. How you will change will be influenced by how much you open up, believe in yourself, and move forward in kindness.


“If you bless those around you, this will inspire you to be attentive in every moment.”

I was to know happiness, peace and usefulness, in a way of life that is incredibly more wonderful as time passes. Big Book

How do you fill your bucket? One drop at a time.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.
The great arises out of small things that are honored and cared for.
Heart Of Recovery web site – fcheartofrecovery.com